LeBron Blames Cleveland Exit on Bad Steak

LeBron James says his decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers was the result of a bad steak. The Miami Heat forward revealed the news after a preseason workout Thursday.

In a July 8 special on ESPN, James told Jim Gray that he was taking his talents to South Beach. However, the NBA superstar now says he intended to remain with the Cavaliers. "I was all set to announce my decision to stay in Cleveland," explained James. "But earlier that day I had a steak dinner that messed with my stomach. By the time I got to the Jim Gray interview, I had lost the true feeling in my gut -- which was to stick with the Cavs. I don't know if it was the sauce or the meat itself."

James further explained that once his stomach got better, it was too late to retract the announcement. "By the time my gut feeling returned, I had already spent the weekend partying with Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and thousands of Miami fans in South Beach. I would have looked foolish if I returned to Cleveland after all the love I got from the good people of Miami."

When a reporter reminded James about the seven years of love and support that Cavs fans gave him, the NBA All-Star got a bit testy. "Dude, I was gonna stay," responded James. "It was the steak, man. I swear. Do you think I would leave a great situation like that and become just one of three superstars on the same team? Anyone in their right mind would have stayed in Cleveland, but I ate some bad steak. What am I gonna do? What's done is done!"

Fantasy Football Player Fantasizes About Competitor's Team

Fantasy football player Stan Darmish of Peoria, Ill., woke up with his sheets drenched with sweat Wednesday morning after fantasizing about competitor Lester Finnegan's team. Darmish, who is currently in third place in the 14-person "Midwest's Best" league, describes Finnegan's roster as "near-perfect."

Darmish reports that he went to sleep Tuesday night feeling pretty good about his team. However, once he found himself in a deep slumber, his attention quickly turned to Finnegan's offense. "Images of Peyton Manning started swirling before me," reveals Darmish. "It was quite sensational." Darmish, who works at a big-box electronics store when not playing fantasy football, says he really got hot and bothered when Houston Texans running back Arian Foster appeared in his dream. "Next thing I know, Peyton is handing off the ball to Arian amidst a sea of flowers," recalls Darmish. "Honestly, it was a bit much for me to handle."

When reached for comment, Finnegan said he'll worry about Darmish when they face off in Week Seven. For now, Finnegan's concerned about upcoming opponent Fred Sterlingman. "Fred's got Aaron Rodgers and Darren McFadden on his squad," says Finnegan. "Even with Peyton Manning and Arian Foster, I got my work cut out for me."

Rangers' Hamilton Mistakes Self for Chef Flay

Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Tuesday that he spent the past three weeks cooking hundreds of delicious meals. The AL MVP candidate broke his ribs running into the outfield wall while making a catch during a Sept. 4 game at Minnesota, and says he woke up the next day believing he was renowned chef Bobby Flay.

"I got up on Sept. 5, looked in the mirror, and was convinced I was Bobby Flay," explained Hamilton. "Looking back, I guess the blow I took against the wall knocked around my senses a bit." The All-Star outfielder immediately got to work on a nuevo-Western omelette that morning. "I added some artichokes and poblano chili peppers to the traditional Western," revealed Hamilton. "I hit it out of the park. It was delish."

Hamilton went on to mention a few of his other successful meals, including an orange-glazed salmon, a roasted pomegranate chicken and a strawberry tart. However, his return to the Rangers' lineup Friday is putting a dent in his culinary plans. "I was hoping to throw together a barbecue shrimp dish this weekend, but I'm not sure if I'll have time in between games," said Hamilton. "Maybe if I marinate the shrimp in some pineapple juice and paprika before Saturday's game, I'll have some time to grill it up Sunday morning. We'll see."