Debate To Determine NLCS Game 1

Game 1 of the National League Championship Series will now be determined by a debate between the teams' respective aces, San Francisco Giants fireballer Tim Lincecum and Philadelphia Phillies workhorse Roy Halladay. In lieu of an actual game, the two pitchers will compete in a head-to-head discussion moderated by sportscaster Bob Costas.

"With these two pitchers taking the ball, we figured the game would likely end up in a 0-0 tie," explains Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "Why not make it a little more interesting by making this a contest of wits?" The three-hour debate will break down into five categories: throwing motion, grip, pitch location, the economy and health care.

"Whatever, man. I'm down for anything," says Lincecum. "I mean I could talk about anything on any given day. My mind is working on eight days rest, so I should be fine." Halladay, meanwhile, is taking a more businesslike approach toward the debate. "I have a pretty good grasp on throwing motion, pitch location and health care, but I really have to study up on grip and the economy."

The debate, which will take place Saturday at 8 p.m. on the pitcher's mound in Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, will be televised live on TBS and CNN. Tickets for Game 1 will be honored at the ballpark.

America Fails To Notice Opening of NHL Season

The United States has admitted that it failed to acknowledge this past Thursday's opening of the 2010-11 National Hockey League season. President Obama has offered an apology to the NHL, saying he was caught up in a Chicago Bulls preseason game that night.

"I'm a little concerned about the Carlos Boozer injury," explained Obama, "and I wanted to see how Derrick Rose would distribute the ball. Honestly, I had no idea the hockey season had started." When asked whether he would make up for the oversight by catching this Monday's Chicago Blackhawks game against the Buffalo Sabres, the president referred to his limited TV schedule. "Listen, I'd love to watch the Blackhawks skate and check and whatever else they do, but Monday's a tough night for me. I've got that Event show on NBC with Blair Underwood basically playing me. Plus Michelle and I like to tune in to Dancing With the Stars periodically throughout the night."

Other Americans cited various reasons when asked why they failed to notice the launch of the NHL season. "I have no idea what you're talking about," said Charlotte Van Peltson of Santa Fe, New Mexico. "I had to make dinner for my boys that night." Meanwhile, George Luttle of Des Moines, Iowa, said, "Dude, I've been out of work for six months. Unless this so-called NHL can offer me a construction job, then I could care less about it."

Even NHL commissioner Gary Bettman admitted he was otherwise preoccupied Thursday. "Wow, now that you mention it, I was locked into Game 2 of the Yankees-Twins division series," confessed Bettman. "I'll definitely try to catch a game or two next week."

Vikings Reacquire Moss To Sell Leftover Jerseys

The Minnesota Vikings reacquired Randy Moss from the New England Patriots on Wednesday in an effort to unload 50,000 leftover jerseys from the veteran wide receiver's 1998-2004 stint on the team.

"We were deep in the red on those Randy Moss jerseys," says Vikings' Chief Marketing Officer Steve LaCroix. "Forget about our initial production expenses. That 15-foot by 25-foot room at Public Storage was costing an arm and a leg. Six years at $500 a month -- you do the math!"

Within minutes of announcing the trade, the Vikings began selling the dusty, moth-ridden garments on the team's website. No word on whether the jerseys will be laundered prior to being shipped.

When asked about the Vikings' motive for the trade, Moss said he could care less. "I'm just happy to get out of New England," explains the Pro Bowl receiver. "Imagine a place with a climate similar to Minnesota, but you gotta play in an outdoor stadium instead of a dome. It was cold, man. Really cold. Who wants to play in those conditions? Also, Coach [Bill] Belichick was a d**k."

The Vikings plan to hold onto Moss until at least 85 percent of the inventory is sold.

Cast Set for Yankees' Postseason Run

After much deliberation, New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi has named his cast for the American League playoffs. Among the stars set for the postseason run are Forest Whitaker as CC Sabathia and Lance Bass as Derek Jeter. Girardi himself will be played by television veteran Tony Danza.

Sabathia is honored to have the Oscar-winning Whitaker take over his role as ace of the Yankees staff, but the big left-hander is a bit concerned with the pop on the Ghost Dog actor's fastball. "I'm currently working with Forest to try to get his fastball up over 55 miles per hour," says Sabathia. "Knowing the actor he is, I'm sure he'll be able hit 90 before our first playoff game."



Jeter, meanwhile, calls Bass a "gifted entertainer" despite the former N*Sync singer's inability to field a routine grounder. "He's putting in the work," says the Yankees captain. "That's all you can ask for at this point." That said, the Yankees shortstop is not thrilled with missing the postseason. "You work hard for 162 games to get to this point, and to have a someone else take over your role in the playoffs is a bit disappointing."



Girardi, however, is very confident in his decision to cast Danza as manager. "Tony Danza knows the game a little better than I do at this point in his career," says Girardi. "I have a little more faith in him than I do myself."



Other castmembers include Jared the Subway Sandwich Guy as Mark Teixeira, Chris Tucker as Robinson Cano and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees' playoff run is set to open Oct. 6.

Brett Favre Retires During Vikings' Bye Week

Disappointed by the lack of attention he has received during his team's bye week, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre is retiring from the National Football League. The 40-year-old footballer is set to hold a tear-filled press conference live from his home in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, on Sunday at 4:15 p.m. ET. Coverage of the announcement will preempt programming across all major TV networks, including Fox's live broadcast of the Redskins-Eagles match.

Favre revealed his plans in a text message to Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. "It's time," wrote Favre. After repeatedly reminding the TV audience that he was the first to hear the news, Bush reached out to the veteran QB. "Hang in there, brother," said the entertainment reporter. "We're all praying for you."

When reached for comment, Vikings coach Brad Childress said he would fly out to Mississippi to try to convince Favre to remain retired before the 1-2 team resumes action Oct. 11 at the New York Jets. "There's no stopping him from coming out of retirement, but if we can delay his inevitable return a few weeks, I think we can get over the .500 mark."