Former MLB Managers Form Punk Band

Bobby Cox, who recently retired as manager of the Atlanta Braves, has revealed that he has formed a punk band with fellow former Major League Baseball managers Joe Torre, Lou Piniella and Cito Gaston. The band, called Cox & Balls, features Cox on vocals, Torre on guitar, Piniella on drums and Gaston on bass. "This has been a dream of mine for years," says Cox. "It all dates back to seeing the Ramones play CBGB back in '77 when I was a first base coach on the Yankees."

With all four managers leaving baseball this year, Cox jumped on the opportunity to finally pursue his dream. "It's not every day that you get a chance to play with musicians like these," explains Cox in a statement. "Torre is a freak on the axe; Piniella's an awesome stickman; and Gaston handles the low end like a champ. Mark my words: Cox & Balls are gonna be a force to be reckoned with on the punk scene."

The group recently hit an Atlanta studio to begin recording its debut album, Kickin' Dirt. "We already have three songs in the can," says Torre. "We're hoping to drop the disc in the spring. We're looking at a tune called 'Dump the Ump' as a possible first single." Cox & Balls reportedly are in talks with Epitaph Records for a three-album deal. In the meantime, the band has already signed on to play a series of gigs on the 2011 Vans Warped Tour. "I can't wait until fans see Cox & Balls perform live," exclaims Piniella. "We're gonna blow up the stage."

Proposed Deal by Radio Caller Leads to Trade

As soon as the San Francisco Giants defeated the Texas Rangers on Monday night to win the World Series, attention turned to Major League Baseball's Hot Stove League. And the first big move of the offseason came thanks to Dominic in Staten Island, who called WFAN's Mike'd Up host Mike Francesa on Tuesday to propose a theoretical trade that would later turn into a done deal.

Dominic suggested that the New York Mets trade second baseman Luis Castillo and pitcher Oliver Perez to the New York Yankees for pitcher A.J. Burnett. "Listen Mike, don't cut me off. I got a deal that sounds crazy but makes sense," Dominic told Francesa over the air. "These guys all need a change of scenery. The Mets get rid of their two biggest problems and the Yankees unload a long-term contract. If Burnett ever gets his head on straight, he can be a force in Citi Field." Francesa replied, "You gotta be kidding me," and cut Dominic off. Little did the radio personality know that new Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson was listening.

"As soon as I heard Dominic in Staten Island's proposal, I got [Yankees GM] Brian Cashman on the phone," reveals Alderson. "Within an hour the deal was done. We are happy to have A.J. Burnett on the Mets and look forward to him making a big contribution to our 2011 team and beyond."

Cashman concurred that the deal made good sense for both teams. "Dominic in Staten Island hit the nail right on the head. We hope Castillo and Perez can contribute, but we also get two expiring contracts that free us up for a big free agent signing for 2012. It's a win-win for us."

Debate To Determine NLCS Game 1

Game 1 of the National League Championship Series will now be determined by a debate between the teams' respective aces, San Francisco Giants fireballer Tim Lincecum and Philadelphia Phillies workhorse Roy Halladay. In lieu of an actual game, the two pitchers will compete in a head-to-head discussion moderated by sportscaster Bob Costas.

"With these two pitchers taking the ball, we figured the game would likely end up in a 0-0 tie," explains Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "Why not make it a little more interesting by making this a contest of wits?" The three-hour debate will break down into five categories: throwing motion, grip, pitch location, the economy and health care.

"Whatever, man. I'm down for anything," says Lincecum. "I mean I could talk about anything on any given day. My mind is working on eight days rest, so I should be fine." Halladay, meanwhile, is taking a more businesslike approach toward the debate. "I have a pretty good grasp on throwing motion, pitch location and health care, but I really have to study up on grip and the economy."

The debate, which will take place Saturday at 8 p.m. on the pitcher's mound in Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, will be televised live on TBS and CNN. Tickets for Game 1 will be honored at the ballpark.

America Fails To Notice Opening of NHL Season

The United States has admitted that it failed to acknowledge this past Thursday's opening of the 2010-11 National Hockey League season. President Obama has offered an apology to the NHL, saying he was caught up in a Chicago Bulls preseason game that night.

"I'm a little concerned about the Carlos Boozer injury," explained Obama, "and I wanted to see how Derrick Rose would distribute the ball. Honestly, I had no idea the hockey season had started." When asked whether he would make up for the oversight by catching this Monday's Chicago Blackhawks game against the Buffalo Sabres, the president referred to his limited TV schedule. "Listen, I'd love to watch the Blackhawks skate and check and whatever else they do, but Monday's a tough night for me. I've got that Event show on NBC with Blair Underwood basically playing me. Plus Michelle and I like to tune in to Dancing With the Stars periodically throughout the night."

Other Americans cited various reasons when asked why they failed to notice the launch of the NHL season. "I have no idea what you're talking about," said Charlotte Van Peltson of Santa Fe, New Mexico. "I had to make dinner for my boys that night." Meanwhile, George Luttle of Des Moines, Iowa, said, "Dude, I've been out of work for six months. Unless this so-called NHL can offer me a construction job, then I could care less about it."

Even NHL commissioner Gary Bettman admitted he was otherwise preoccupied Thursday. "Wow, now that you mention it, I was locked into Game 2 of the Yankees-Twins division series," confessed Bettman. "I'll definitely try to catch a game or two next week."

Vikings Reacquire Moss To Sell Leftover Jerseys

The Minnesota Vikings reacquired Randy Moss from the New England Patriots on Wednesday in an effort to unload 50,000 leftover jerseys from the veteran wide receiver's 1998-2004 stint on the team.

"We were deep in the red on those Randy Moss jerseys," says Vikings' Chief Marketing Officer Steve LaCroix. "Forget about our initial production expenses. That 15-foot by 25-foot room at Public Storage was costing an arm and a leg. Six years at $500 a month -- you do the math!"

Within minutes of announcing the trade, the Vikings began selling the dusty, moth-ridden garments on the team's website. No word on whether the jerseys will be laundered prior to being shipped.

When asked about the Vikings' motive for the trade, Moss said he could care less. "I'm just happy to get out of New England," explains the Pro Bowl receiver. "Imagine a place with a climate similar to Minnesota, but you gotta play in an outdoor stadium instead of a dome. It was cold, man. Really cold. Who wants to play in those conditions? Also, Coach [Bill] Belichick was a d**k."

The Vikings plan to hold onto Moss until at least 85 percent of the inventory is sold.

Cast Set for Yankees' Postseason Run

After much deliberation, New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi has named his cast for the American League playoffs. Among the stars set for the postseason run are Forest Whitaker as CC Sabathia and Lance Bass as Derek Jeter. Girardi himself will be played by television veteran Tony Danza.

Sabathia is honored to have the Oscar-winning Whitaker take over his role as ace of the Yankees staff, but the big left-hander is a bit concerned with the pop on the Ghost Dog actor's fastball. "I'm currently working with Forest to try to get his fastball up over 55 miles per hour," says Sabathia. "Knowing the actor he is, I'm sure he'll be able hit 90 before our first playoff game."



Jeter, meanwhile, calls Bass a "gifted entertainer" despite the former N*Sync singer's inability to field a routine grounder. "He's putting in the work," says the Yankees captain. "That's all you can ask for at this point." That said, the Yankees shortstop is not thrilled with missing the postseason. "You work hard for 162 games to get to this point, and to have a someone else take over your role in the playoffs is a bit disappointing."



Girardi, however, is very confident in his decision to cast Danza as manager. "Tony Danza knows the game a little better than I do at this point in his career," says Girardi. "I have a little more faith in him than I do myself."



Other castmembers include Jared the Subway Sandwich Guy as Mark Teixeira, Chris Tucker as Robinson Cano and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees' playoff run is set to open Oct. 6.

Brett Favre Retires During Vikings' Bye Week

Disappointed by the lack of attention he has received during his team's bye week, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre is retiring from the National Football League. The 40-year-old footballer is set to hold a tear-filled press conference live from his home in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, on Sunday at 4:15 p.m. ET. Coverage of the announcement will preempt programming across all major TV networks, including Fox's live broadcast of the Redskins-Eagles match.

Favre revealed his plans in a text message to Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. "It's time," wrote Favre. After repeatedly reminding the TV audience that he was the first to hear the news, Bush reached out to the veteran QB. "Hang in there, brother," said the entertainment reporter. "We're all praying for you."

When reached for comment, Vikings coach Brad Childress said he would fly out to Mississippi to try to convince Favre to remain retired before the 1-2 team resumes action Oct. 11 at the New York Jets. "There's no stopping him from coming out of retirement, but if we can delay his inevitable return a few weeks, I think we can get over the .500 mark."

LeBron Blames Cleveland Exit on Bad Steak

LeBron James says his decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers was the result of a bad steak. The Miami Heat forward revealed the news after a preseason workout Thursday.

In a July 8 special on ESPN, James told Jim Gray that he was taking his talents to South Beach. However, the NBA superstar now says he intended to remain with the Cavaliers. "I was all set to announce my decision to stay in Cleveland," explained James. "But earlier that day I had a steak dinner that messed with my stomach. By the time I got to the Jim Gray interview, I had lost the true feeling in my gut -- which was to stick with the Cavs. I don't know if it was the sauce or the meat itself."

James further explained that once his stomach got better, it was too late to retract the announcement. "By the time my gut feeling returned, I had already spent the weekend partying with Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and thousands of Miami fans in South Beach. I would have looked foolish if I returned to Cleveland after all the love I got from the good people of Miami."

When a reporter reminded James about the seven years of love and support that Cavs fans gave him, the NBA All-Star got a bit testy. "Dude, I was gonna stay," responded James. "It was the steak, man. I swear. Do you think I would leave a great situation like that and become just one of three superstars on the same team? Anyone in their right mind would have stayed in Cleveland, but I ate some bad steak. What am I gonna do? What's done is done!"

Fantasy Football Player Fantasizes About Competitor's Team

Fantasy football player Stan Darmish of Peoria, Ill., woke up with his sheets drenched with sweat Wednesday morning after fantasizing about competitor Lester Finnegan's team. Darmish, who is currently in third place in the 14-person "Midwest's Best" league, describes Finnegan's roster as "near-perfect."

Darmish reports that he went to sleep Tuesday night feeling pretty good about his team. However, once he found himself in a deep slumber, his attention quickly turned to Finnegan's offense. "Images of Peyton Manning started swirling before me," reveals Darmish. "It was quite sensational." Darmish, who works at a big-box electronics store when not playing fantasy football, says he really got hot and bothered when Houston Texans running back Arian Foster appeared in his dream. "Next thing I know, Peyton is handing off the ball to Arian amidst a sea of flowers," recalls Darmish. "Honestly, it was a bit much for me to handle."

When reached for comment, Finnegan said he'll worry about Darmish when they face off in Week Seven. For now, Finnegan's concerned about upcoming opponent Fred Sterlingman. "Fred's got Aaron Rodgers and Darren McFadden on his squad," says Finnegan. "Even with Peyton Manning and Arian Foster, I got my work cut out for me."

Rangers' Hamilton Mistakes Self for Chef Flay

Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Tuesday that he spent the past three weeks cooking hundreds of delicious meals. The AL MVP candidate broke his ribs running into the outfield wall while making a catch during a Sept. 4 game at Minnesota, and says he woke up the next day believing he was renowned chef Bobby Flay.

"I got up on Sept. 5, looked in the mirror, and was convinced I was Bobby Flay," explained Hamilton. "Looking back, I guess the blow I took against the wall knocked around my senses a bit." The All-Star outfielder immediately got to work on a nuevo-Western omelette that morning. "I added some artichokes and poblano chili peppers to the traditional Western," revealed Hamilton. "I hit it out of the park. It was delish."

Hamilton went on to mention a few of his other successful meals, including an orange-glazed salmon, a roasted pomegranate chicken and a strawberry tart. However, his return to the Rangers' lineup Friday is putting a dent in his culinary plans. "I was hoping to throw together a barbecue shrimp dish this weekend, but I'm not sure if I'll have time in between games," said Hamilton. "Maybe if I marinate the shrimp in some pineapple juice and paprika before Saturday's game, I'll have some time to grill it up Sunday morning. We'll see."